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  • Alane Stanton

Thoughts from a Hotel Room

First things first ... to all of my regulars, please accept my apologies for the delayed entry. It's been a wild ride already, and 2022 has just begun! For all of you reading for the first time ... welcome!


This entry comes with a guarantee - You will see and experience the real me. Not that the others have been a misrepresentation of my true self, but so far you have seen the organized, well-thought out blog entries of a girl who seemingly has it altogether.

Truth be told, most days I do!


But then came January 2022. Actually things began to spiral in December. I struggle through the holidays, because they just aren't the same without my son. As some of you recall (and others know well), he died from an accidental overdose. He was my Christmas Elf and loved Christmas and everything it entails. But now he is gone, and December 25 is a date I dread instead of anticipate. December is tough.


Add to that a betrayal of trust and an incident that shook me to my core. For weeks I let what happened with one person completely derail me. My train veered off the tracks and barreled down a hill with no indication of slowing down. I allowed one person to take hold of the switchback lever, and send me careening off course. I was lied to. It hurt. Feeling used is not a pleasant feeling, so I let my feelings get hurt, which just made me feel worse. Do you get how I felt? (Sorry, just feeling all the feels for a brief moment.) I finally got past the hurt with prayer, study, and letting go. Sometimes we are better off when we sever ties with those who are toxic to our well-being. My blade has been sharpened.


Now we are up to today. As I am writing this, I am propped up in a hotel room. My thoughts are not organized and my brain feels as scattered as chicken feed dropped on the ground. (Obviously scattered, because that is a horrible illustration ... but I'm tired. Yes, we'll go with that excuse for now.) As for this post, I have no idea where it is headed.


With January's arrival, my dear mama's health departed. While I am sitting in this hotel bed, she is laying in a hospital bed. A shiny new gadget was placed in her chest yesterday to regulate her heartbeat. When she entered the hospital, she was dizzy and so weak she could barely stand with blood pressure numbers extremely high, and a heart rate equally low. Her pacemaker has raised her heart rate 30 more beats per minute from where it was prior to it being inserted. Yay! Mama will most likely head to a rehab facility tomorrow to regain her strength and learn how to maneuver with her new equipment. At 89 she truly is the Bionic Woman!


As I think about all the things that have made my head spin, my heart hurt, and my brain ponder, I get completely overwhelmed. How do I feel? Like giving up. Giving in. Giving way.


BUT GOD ...


When I think of my son, I have peace.


When I think of being screwed financially by someone I trusted, I have peace.


When I think I might lose my Mama, I have peace.


How in Heaven's name can a girl have peace through all of this crap???


ONLY GOD.


Remember how I said my boy loved Christmas? When I said everything it entails, I meant it! My son loved Jesus! Addiction is a stupid, cruel disease that sometimes takes Jesus-loving, born again believers. But therein lies my peace. I'm going to see that precious boy along with my sweet Savior some glorious day!!!


When people screw us over, there's this thing called forgiveness. Oh, let me tell you ... I didn't wanna! But I had to. Not for him, but for me. I learned a long time ago, but seemed to have forgotten ... others will sometimes try to project all they are dealing with onto you. It is up to me whether I take it personally (I did) or not. Once I remembered this little tidbit, I could let it go. (Took me longer than it should have, and I'm not proud of that, BUT I finally got there!) I refuse to be defeated by someone else's baggage


. My peace is too important.


And now to my sweet Mama. Yesterday she thought they were trying to kill her. She was scared. She was in pain. She won't mind me telling you ... because we talked about it tonight before I left. Her attitude last night was - hangry, mean, hurtful, and a tad out of control. She admitted to me that she was in so much pain and so scared, it made her a little mean. (Pausing to giggle a little bit .... ok, now I'm back.) Tonight she was a completely different person. From hangry to content. From mean to the sweetest patient with all her nursing and technical staff. From hurtful to complimentary. From out of control to peace. Mama is a sharp lady, and I'm thinking that new shiny gadget is strengthening her mind by strengthening her heart. Mama is going to be with us for a while.


So yes, in grief there is peace. In chaos, there is peace. In uncertainty, there is peace. In sickness, there is peace. In death, there is peace. And in full exhaustion from driving across states, sitting with uncertainty in a hospital room with a loved one, and even when propped up in a hotel room with your brain going 90 miles a minute while jumping from lane to lane, there is peace.


Remember when I asked how do I feel? Like giving up, giving in, giving way.


Peace comes when we give all the things to the only One who brings true peace.

GIVE UP our pride, our insecurities, our doubt, our fear, our hurt, our grief.

GIVE IN to His Word, claim His promises, and bask in His love for us.

GIVE WAY to His Spirit, His leading, His will, His compassion, His peace.


Our God is a BIG GOD, who can handle ALL the BIG THINGS. Rest in Him today, and peace be with you.


__________________________


When Jesus appeared to His disciples He asked, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? See..." - Luke 24:39


He also said to them, "Peace to you!"- Luke 24:36


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. AND the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7


Oh that we my truly see in times of doubt and trouble all He has done, all He is doing, and all He will do.




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