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  • Alane Stanton

The Devil on my Shoulder

“You aren’t good enough … pretty enough … smart enough … ”

“I can’t believe you did that!”

“Seriously? What were you thinking?”

“You aren’t worthy.”

“Will I always be alone?”

“Am I being punished?”

“What did I do wrong?”

“You don’t deserve it.”


Any of these comments/questions sound familiar? They are all familiar to me. Either said to me by someone, insinuated by someone, and more oft than not, said to myself by self. At times I feel there is a little devil sitting on one shoulder and a little angel on the other. While the little angel sits quietly and behaves, the little devil jumps up and down while screaming in my ear. Kind of like preschool, but for grownups.


For too long I listened to the screaming instead of the still small voice.

While going through divorce, I was constantly assuming the worst from my ex-husband, when in reality he wasn’t giving me a second thought. I took each glance, silent treatment, and gesture personally. I beat myself up thinking over all I could have done differently. What I could have said differently. Telling myself, if I had only …

One of the most hurtful things we can do is speak negatively to ourselves. I have done it so many times, that I start believing every word. I wasn’t good enough, pretty or smart enough. I allowed my ex-husband to make me feel this way. His intent may not have even been to make me feel as such, but I told myself he did enough times that I believed it.

I beat myself up for mistakes made over the years, and believed I was being punished. “I can’t believe you did that! What were you thinking?” At times I felt guilty even when I had done nothing to feel guilty about!

My most recent battle with the words in my head was concerning this blog. I let the words “not enough” resonate so loudly that I couldn’t write a word. “You’re not good enough. Who will read anything you write?”

Well, needless to say, I FINALLY flicked that little devil off my shoulder and silenced him. You see, that little devil was controlled by THE Devil, and I was tired of allowing him to defeat me! And so this blog began, but it wasn't easy ...

Five years ago I was accepted into Grad School, one month before I lost my son. Classes began just a couple of weeks after he died. There was NO way I could begin a Master’s program following the most tragic event I have ever endured or ever will endure. My heart was shattered into a million pieces, and I couldn’t even get out of bed most days.

BUT GOD …

God said, “You are enough. You can do this. I’m right there with you now and will be with you every step of the way. You are a very intelligent gal. YOU'VE GOT THIS AND I’VE GOT YOU!!!”

Fast forward two years … I completed my Master of Arts in English and Creative Writing as a member of TWO honor societies with a 4.0 GPA. Yay me!

Then I sat on it. FOR THREE YEARS! Too scared to proceed with my writing for fear of …

Not being good enough.

Who will read it?

You’re wasting your time.

It’s too personal.

BUT GOD …

God again said, “You are enough. You can do this! I’m right here with you and will be with you every step of the way. You are a smart girl. YOU'VE GOT THIS AND I’VE GOT YOU!!!”

But that wasn’t all that was whispered into my ear with a message straight to my heart … “You have a story to share and someone WILL read it. I’ve allowed you to go through the unimaginable, because others are going through it, too. They need encouragement. I will strengthen you, so you can strengthen them with My words.” (Notice the strength comes from His words. Not mine. To God be all the glory!)

Words are powerful. They either build up or tear down. At times we are our own worst enemy with our self-talk. If we speak negatively to ourselves, negativity will come out in our actions and words. Others will avoid Negative Nellies. If we speak positively to ourselves, positivity will resonate. Others will want to be around us. I pray my words will always honor THE ONE who gives me strength, encouraging words, and builds me up when I need Him the most.

I’ve learned to give myself grace when I mess up; when I believe the lies being screamed into my ear, and when I yield to the fear of failure because of those two little words, “not enough.”

I AM ENOUGH … In Christ who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:13)

Alane’s translation, “I’M A PRETTY BIG DEAL!”

I have stopped listening to the loud little devil making all the negative noise.

I have learned to listen to the Truth found in the still small voice.

____________________________

To whom are you listening? God or Satan?

How are you speaking to yourself? Positively or Negatively?

Speak truth and all good things to yourself today! And know … YOU’RE A PRETTY BIG DEAL! God says so, and so do I!!!

"he [Satan] does not stand in the truth, because there is NO truth in him ... for he is a liar and the father of lies."

~ John 8:44

“But the one who always listens to me will live undisturbed in a heavenly peace. Free from fear, confident and courageous, that one will rest unafraid and sheltered from the storms of life.” ~ Proverbs 1:33 (The Passion Translation)

“Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.” - I Kings 19:11-12




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