I Don't Wanna!

Thanksgiving. Christmas. Holidays in General ... I just don't wanna do them anymore!

Some will understand. Some will not. I wish I didn't understand, but I do.

It's Saturday morning, and I have tickets to the Christmas Festival tonight. I lay in bed while checking emails and Facebook, play a couple of rounds on my favorite mind-numbing game, and finally crawl out to make coffee and breakfast. I turn on the TV to watch a show I had taped, but don't really watch. My head hurts. I think I'll go back to bed. Sounds like a good idea.

But while I'm laying in bed, my mind wanders. To all that is lost to me.

I wrestle with the memories of my son's overdose and subsequent death.

I fight thoughts of betrayal.

My mind is at war.

All while I lay in bed, not willing to physically fight the depression threatening to overtake me.

After quite the battle, I fall asleep exhausted, and wake up at 4pm. The music begins at 6.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO!!!

BUT GOD ...

He gently nudges me out of bed and into the shower. He helps me get ready and arrive as the prelude is being played. I slide into the second row from the back after stepping over two ladies and settle in beside another woman sitting alone. We smile. We nod. Then relax to enjoy the music.

My friend, who also struggled to get there, comes in and sits beside me. We smile. We nod.

The music is beautiful, and true worship with my Heavenly Father is experienced. Why did I fight so ferociously to miss this?

I was afraid I would cry. I didn't want to be there without my children. I didn't want to be alone, again, at another church service. Would they play a song that my son played for me on his guitar at Christmastime? Would the decorations make me think of him and how we always decorated the tree together? Would I just sit and sniffle through the whole program and embarrass myself?

I had made the day all about me! Grief and depression are no joke, and I admit to fighting them both more times than I care to, but so far, I have won each battle. Have I done it alone? Certainly not! Will more battles come? Certainly!

BUT ... I know WHO is ALWAYS there to fight alongside me, carry me when I fall, and lead me off the battlefield. God is my refuge and strength. In Him will I trust.

Now, let me tell you the rest of the story ...

When the music is finished, I could just walk out. Instead, I turn to the sweet lady with whom I had shared a smile, a nod.

"Wasn't that wonderful?" I asked. "I don't believe we have met."

"I'm new to town."

SOOOO ... God woke me up, gently nudged me out of bed (Ok, if truth be told, I think He shoved me out), got me ready, and placed me right where I was supposed to be. This sweet soul and I were meant to meet. Not just for her, but for me.

In the course of about 15 minutes following the program, she met a Bible Fellowship teacher, the Grief Share for Widow's Coordinator and two facilitators, the Pastor, and me! She attended the Bible Study yesterday and is connecting with "the family" after being in town for less than a month.

Coincidence? I think not! Divine Appointment? Most definitely.

You see, I had made the day ALL ABOUT ME. How is this going to make me FEEL? Will I cry? I just want to sit home and FEEL sorry for myself. But in reality, it wasn't about me at all.

God knew I needed to be there. To connect. I needed to connect with someone. She did, too!

What a blessing to us both, as we laughed, shared a bit of our stories, and connected with one another. Had I stayed in bed, continued to feel sorry for myself, and neglected the gentle nudge, none of the above would have happened. And before you go and pat me on the back, remember, this isn't about me.

BUT GOD ...

My words to you today are to yield to the gentle nudge. Let Him shove you into motion if necessary. Lean into Jesus and fight! Get up! Get that shower. Be a light. Connect. Receive the blessings God is so generously waiting to shower upon you!

I'm so glad I got out of bed, even when I didn't wanna!

______________________________

It's OK to be emotional. It's OK to not want to participate in something that might bring up painful memories. But when the feelings of hopelessness start to settle in, don't remain there. GET UP!

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." - I Peter 5:10 (And kick you out of bed if necessary in order to accomplish His purpose. Translation - Me)

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." - Philippians 2:3-4

This is one of my favorites. We do NOT fight alone!

"Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." - Psalm 62:6-8

"And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the Lord your God." - Deuteronomy 28:2

Blessings to each one of you today!